December 18, 2009
So now that is am in the howl transformation stage of becoming a minimalist. Things are starting to take shape …Well in lame-re terms, lack of shape. Which in and odd way is = more peace when I am at home. Looking further into myself I have realized that I have been starting this further back then I though. I realized that the other day that I stopped buying clothing with real color about six mouths ago. I have only been getting clothing that is in grays and whites. Which may have more to do with my mind set of the time, But the past is the past and has changed me for the better.
With the approach of a new year things in my life are about to change 190°.I am official registered to start school at Salt Lake Community Collage this spring. Odd to think that 2 years ago there was no way in hell I was going to put myself in school if I could help it. To now where I cant wait to get in. Growing up is an odd feeling. To an even bigger change… I am moving out off my apartment come mid January and going to live with a good friend of mine Ray. Big change from being by myself all the time, To having a room mate. Which is why I am doing it. Only can I simplify my spending but I am sick of being anti-social.
One thing around my apartment that has been driving my nuts for mouths that I have changed is my fish tank. That odd crapy tank that only had a shrimp in it, is gone for good. Instead I turned a nice glass vase into a zen habitat that the shrimp now lives in. Lucky for me the type of shrimp that he is is kinda like a Bata fish in that they can live in small environments, and makes me like him much better. Just one more way to zen my life.
December 11, 2009
Tweetdeck and a simplified Gmail make for a faster and happier computer.
Step by step I am simplifying my life. Why should I keep thing in my life and my home that only stress me out. When not having them at all, makes my life easier and happier. This go’s for all aspects of my life. Today I started with my computer sounds easy but it took 5 hrs to go through all the shit I have done in a year. I deleted over 250 documents images and programs that I don’t know what are or use. Then simplified my Gmail, Myspace got a Tweetdeck so I don’t have to be checking my accounts all the time. Consequently my computer and internet is moving much faster…. If this is working with my computer, could it work with my life? So far only time will tell. But after redoing my living room in a more minimalist fashion I feel better then the bathroom and then I felt amazing! So for my new goal I am going to live in a state of zen.
November 3, 2009
As the end of my 5th session scaring ends and 3rd session at nightmare on 13th ends,I cant help but look back on this session and reflect like I all ways do on everything. this session i have made friends that could not even rival the past year. friends that i will see as much as i can. not only did i make so many friends, but i really do say this with the up most honestly, this years cast was the strongest i have ever seen. not only in acting but as an oddly freaky family.
I have all so made a big decision that this year is most likely my last session acting. But that doesn’t mean I am not coming back as support staff. It is just my body cant take all the jumping around I do when I act, And after a time you hit a point where you know that acting is not you’re thing anymore.
But at least I have one more night left and for thows of you that don’t know we are reopening for one more night in November on Friday the 13th.
In a rap to a poorly done blog post and since it is my first post in over a month you should cut me some slake. I would like to say goodbye to Whitney! Not only do a see her as a really good friend but one of the best things to ever happen to Nightmare on 13th. We and at a huge losses without her and I will personally see to it that pie night lives on next session in honer of her next year! love you whitney you are the best cast directory that anyone could have asked for!
August 18, 2009
“The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it.” ——-> “get to the point and keep it clear and simple.”
So what does this all mean. Well, what it means is my life is in check. I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I only need myself to do so. Why should I depend on others for happiness when I am so capable of doing so myself? I have ask for help when I needed it and have all so helped myself when I could help myself. I am at ease, mellow and fine with that. Usually mellow is not a good place for me. But this time is different. It is because I have hit a different leave of consensus then before. Really a different leave of myself.
Something happened to me when I went up to Bear Lake that needed to happen a long time ago. I don’t know what but it happened. I suddenly know what is going on and know what I need and wont in life. I have been waiting so long for this state if consensus to hit me. And now that it has, I realize it was worth all that I have been thought just to feel this! I am at content for myself and the world. Why live life in a “What if” when I can live life in a “Now”?
All life is, is these different levels of consensus one more profound then the next. Some levels mean more then the last and can impact us more then any other. This level is the best one in my life. I think different, I feel different and most important I don’t see the world in grays and blacks anymore.
What’s life without self discovery?
July 22, 2009
Fear – a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
So what do I fear? There are things in this world that I fear. But if I had to pick one that scares me the most it would be being alone. Not in the idea that I am ‘alone’ but emotionally alone. Which is really what i have been feeling of late. Being alone is a scary thing. The idea that no one is there or that the pillow that is next to my head will all ways be empty. For so many years I have loved being alone it was nice and easy. There was no pain nothing to fuck with my emotions. But now that I have once had a taste of what it is like not to be alone all I wont is to take my fill of these colors I feel when I am not alone. But at the end of the day the sun sets and all colors turn to blacks and grays. When will the sun come back and show me these colors that I love so much?
I have turned my back on the thing that causes me pain. But part of me wont’s that pain because it is something to feel. Feeling pain is better then nothing. But by keep my back turned, I cant feel like I used to. My world is really falling apart. I had an Almost lover, My chameleon died the other day and my boss told me it would be best if I looked for a new job. All things that are really important to me and are all have, Or going to disappear. What happens next in chapter 2? How much more on happiness will be throw at me. It would help if I could just cry but I cant even do that anymore. Crying is important release for a person like me. But as hard as I try I can’t. Not even when I picked up the dead body of Will could I cry. THIS IS FEAR. I find myself once more head deep in the sea of black with my feet tied and me trying so hard to keep my head above the black.
So on like most my blogs there is no happy message in this one. Just the foresight that things are bad now and are going to get much worse before better.
God help lonely souls.
July 8, 2009
Most of you have seen this black textbook, That is my sketch book. But this book is much, much, more then just a book. It is the one thing in this world that tells you everything about me. The feelings, the colors, the things I see. It is where my story is kept. The most important thing to me, is ‘My Story’. Stories should be told and kept so the world can know of the things you saw and learned in your life and time.
This book helps me find out more and more, about who I am. I pick up a pen, and just jump into it, and amazing things can come alive. Thought become more then clear but a physical representation of what my life is like. I hold back nothing when I draw and wright in this book.
This is the most important thing in the world to me because if you where to read it, it strips me down to the skin of who I am.
It is an artist most important tool.
Everyday it make the world a little clearer and easier to look at.
July 5, 2009
It is a hard thing in life, to take the bad, and make good of it.
As I sit here and look at this spot on the wall, like I have for so many night. I have finally started to make some sense of my life. “Conclusion” there is no sense to it. It can not be put into a box and looked at. The thing I stress about, should not deserve the amount of though that I put into it. When thows thing that I stress about are all most, all ways out of my control. I try so hard to understand all aspects of a situation that sometimes I become jaded to the bigger picture or how the whole thing stared to begin with.
So now that I have made my goal to better myself, to open my heart and mind to to new ideas, and found a heart that was once 2 sizes to small that is now 10x to big. I need to find a better and new way to better myself. So here it is: To find happiness with in myself. I may seem easy but when I mean this in the deepest way. I have come to the conclusion that I am finally ‘ok’ with myself as a gay man but I need to take that feeling deeper to find the happiness that will let me be more then ‘ok’ with it, but ‘happy’ with it. I need to rediscover myself in new ways to find that with in me. I have stepped out of my comfort zone once before. But I may need to walk completely away for it for a while to find that part of me. That mite mean me throwing away some values and morals that I have lived by my whole life. But what is life without a little risk?
I am not saying that I and going to throw myself into a world of sex and sin. What I am saying is, it is time I start taking some risks with how I feel and not holding back and softening it up when I speak my mind. My mind is sharp and is a little sick of me telling it that it needs to be nice. I have all ready been working on this goal for a few days. But after something that happened today it is vary apparent to me if I don’t set my mind to this idea now I will surely fail. But when I set my mind to something god help the person that tells me to do other then.
P.s. Thanks to all my friends today that showed me more then there true colors, and fully get how I am feeling despite others ignorance. You know who you are, and I can’t even begin to thank you all.
June 19, 2009
I have opened my heart. But the person I opened it to is to scared to take it.
But I did it. I opened my heart in the end. I have just did the hardiest thing in my life. It is to open myself up and be ok with ‘Me’ as a gay man. I really hoped when my heart opened, that the person I opened it to would see how loving I am, much to my and their dismay. But it looks like that will never happen. They are scared and week and cant see how much love I have to give. I cant look down on him thow. I will always care deeply for the person who had the balls to ask the punk his story.
Because in the end all I have is my story!
A story of a life of Gray and how I find a little Yellow.
end of chapter one
June 10, 2009
I find me and my celling fan talking for hours. In fact six hours today. Not only does he keep me cold but he lesions, without a word of protest. Which is what I need right now. I don’t need someone to tell me things will be ok and will work out for the best. In-fact all I wont is to be forgotten and not reminded.
thank you to me new friend
BTW i am not off my rocker.
June 7, 2009
This is not a small cut that dries, scabs and heals, but go’s deeper then my skin. In the end if one doesn’t fight for what they wont, they will loose all. I choose to fight for what I wont.
